The Ideal and the Reality

I can tell I’m “in love” when the other persons wants and needs come before my own. Selfless love, with men, can bring only heartache if there is no equality to it. I believe for women love is more of an emotion or feeling and men see love more as an action; working, opening doors, making love. To make a marriage work you must be willing to accept the good and the bad, mutual respect and intimacy a must.
Ideally parenthood is a shared responsibility involving teamwork. I believe it is beneficial for a child to have as many people actively involved in their life as possible. A parent should be a teacher from basic motor skills to being a self-sufficient adult. A parent should provide emotional support; cuddling the newborn, explaining and wiping away the tears when bad things happen, and a sounding board through the teen years and on into adulthood. A parent needs to be a disciplinarian providing guidelines and boundaries. A parent should support their child’s dreams in any possible way. The benefit to the child’s self esteem is unmistakable, as long as it is the child’s dream and not your own. A parent should be a playmate too. I believe it is good for a child to know they can play, verbally as well as physically, with their parents. Parents should promote togetherness within the family unit. Creating a safe place to be, where no matter how bad the rest of the world is it’s always good to be home with people who love you.
This is how it would be; there was no doubt in my mind. I loved him and he loved me and together we would make the prefect family. The nay-sayers had no idea of the potential we possessed.


The reality

The reality is we did love each other. We wanted to get married and raise our child together. So we came back to Northern VA and had a small ceremony with our families and friends. Pat was Jeff’s best man and Steph was my maid of honor. We lived with my parents for a while till we could get jobs and find an apartment. Kay’s mom was nice enough to hire me to work in a cafeteria she managed even though she knew I was pregnant. Jeff got a job pouring concrete. My job provided the medical insurance we would need to have the baby.
We proceeded to look for apartments and found we couldn’t afford much. We settled for a 2 bedroom on the ground floor in a run down complex in Herndon. The neighbors were pretty cool. They put up with Jeff and Pat’s band practicing there so you’d have to say they were very cool. And then there was Teddy. Teddy was a very nice, tall black man who liked to run around outside in nothing but a very short robe. Teddy could get good weed and he had the hots for Jeff. Jeff liked to joke around with Teddy, but never failed to tell the boy to get some clothes on. The roaches were ridiculous. I had never been around roaches up to this point in my life so it was gross and unnerving to me at first. We tried bombing the place, but they always came back. But after awhile we made a game out of killing them. We’d turn out the lights in the kitchen, give them a few minutes to come out, then flick the light back on and swat and stomp as many as we could. Lemonade from lemons.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant, my whole life became about the well being of the child. I quit smoking everything, quit drinking; I didn’t even drink cola anymore. This was difficult at times because I was little more than a child myself. I went from being taken care of by my father to being taken care of by Jeff. Every one of my friends continued their partying ways. In fact they were partying at my place, especially when the band practiced there. I was working, I was getting fat, I was tired all the time and everyone seemed to be having a good time but me. Jeff and I started to fight…a lot.
Once I started getting upset about people partying at our place all the time they moved the party. Jeff would stay out late or not come home at all. One evening while I was fixing dinner we started fighting. I threw the hamburgers I was cooking straight from the pan across the room. Then I threw the potato salad and he grabbed the mustard and squirted it at me. Back and forth it went, then he punched a whole in the bathroom wall (there goes the security deposit) and left. I cried and cleaned up. We were left with a constant reminder of our ridiculous behavior; every time we went to the bathroom and turned on the light we could see the roaches scurry into the hole.
Just when it seemed everything was falling apart the baby came. I woke Jeff up and we headed to the hospital. They checked me out and told us it would be hours so I suggested that Jeff go get something to eat. Jeff wasn’t a fan of blood or seeing me in pain but he was willing to go in the delivery room with me. The baby had other plans. No sooner did Jeff leave, my contractions got stronger and closer. I told the nurse the baby was coming. “No, no dear we just checked you. It will be awhile.” I couldn’t believe she doubted me, who’s body was it anyway. “THE BABY IS COMING!!!” She went to get the doctor and sure enough they took me to the delivery room. Sept 28, 1980 - Time stood still when they laid that beautiful little boy on my chest. Sometime later Jeff walked in and said the doctor had congratulated him on the way through the door. We were happy and all was right with the world. We were a family.
The months that followed went by to quick. I had a few months maternity leave but it was coming to an end and I would have to head back to work. I was enjoying getting to know this little person even though he liked to puke on me. That’s the coolest thing about being a mother, things you would have never dreamed of tolerating from another human being, suddenly seem almost, dare I say, cute coming from this little person. So I found a babysitter and for 6 painfully long weeks I would drive him to the babysitter’s house, drop him off and cry all the way to work. Jeff seeing my pain told me to stop working and I didn’t hesitate. We moved out of the apartment and in with his parents in southern VA.