I’ve never been a big fan of looking back; it is a limited view that hinders forward progress. As I get older I find I reflect more on being grateful for how very far I have come and the big, wonderful, beautiful adventure that is my life.
The beginning of this year I made the usual resolutions…get finances under control, lose weight, and exercise more. I am still the slightly overweight, under exercised, financially challenged woman I started the year as. But the one resolution that changed everything is resolving to step outside my comfort zone.
Family first. I love my boys. They are and ever shall be the best thing that ever happened to me. They now have their own stories to tell so here is the Reader’s Digest version… Jeremiah loses girl and house but gets a new lease on life; Luke continues education on his own terms; Josh graduated high school and Starts College; Patrick transitions from middle school to high school and gets a part time job doing something he loves…lucky boy. Garett and I still have jobs, which we are very grateful for, but financial hard times found us just like it did many others.
I chaperoned Patrick’s Choir Trip to Mac Island and 8th grade celebration. What a blast. It is such a great age and all you can do is laugh at the drama they create.
Spring - Trip to PA… I’ve wanted to see my Grandma and Dad for awhile, so both my Dad and I drove to PA and I got to visit with both of them and some of my cousins too.
Summer - Trip to Mo… I sold my motorcycle to make this trip as well as get through the summer with no job. Garett’s family has a reunion every year and we try to make it ever other. His uncle was diagnosed with lung cancer, so it was very important to Garett and me to make it down there. On the return trip to MI we took a few detours. A visit to Graceland(awesome place) , a tour of the Gibson guitar factory and a night in Memphis downtown for some great music. And since we were detouring anyway might as well hit Nashville and a night downtown walking and visiting Wild Horse Saloon.
Fall - Trip to VT & Niagara… Garett’s niece got married on a mountainside in VT, simple and beautiful. I was honored with the job of being their photographer and videographer. On the way home we stopped at Niagara Falls. It is an amazing place. We took a tour and were actually able to walk under the falls…breath taking. And the Falls are even more beautiful lit up at night.
I started volunteering at Orion Neighborhood Television last year and I absolutely love it. It was the catalyst for stepping outside my comfort zone. I learned to edit video. I hosted a program. I ran camera, produced and edited my own shows. I sang in a Karaoke show on TV. It gave me a “what else can I try” attitude. So I entered some of my photos in a contest. I applied to be an extra in the movie “Red Dawn” and they called me. So I spent 2 all nighters on a football field and you may spot me leaving the stadium. A friend starting her own production company asked me to help her out on a film, “In His Eyes”, and so I was Slate and helped with wardrobe and continuity.
And now I look forward to the new adventures 2010 will bring and I am already grateful!!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
People Pleasing
I’d have to say as long as I can remember I’ve been a people pleaser. It started with my parents and grandparents. As I grew it became important to branch out and so I migrated my people pleasing skills to my friends. Then came husband number 1 and his family, Husband number 2 and his family and of course my children, their friends and the schools. I’ve bent over backward for people so many times you would think I was double jointed. I have spent so much of my life pleasing others that I couldn’t even tell you what pleases me. I’m trying real hard. I put celery in my dinner tonight and my first thought was would they like it. I actually had to stop myself and say it doesn’t matter you like it. Celery seems pretty trivial but it is a window to a much bigger problem. Standing my ground now and figuring out what I want may come as a shock to those around me : )
Teenagers! (heavy sigh, eye roll)
When the kids were young it was simple, simple to make them happy and laugh. I could chase them around the yard or do the “superman”. We’d do arts and crafts and play board game; Candy Land was a favorite. Birthday parties, picnics in the park, the zoo and playing in the sprinkler. We’d take them to the park, taught them to ride bikes and roller blade. We had a pool in the back yard and taught them to swim. We planned family vacations and went to amusement parks. We played Donkey Kong with them, dressed up for Halloween and put cookies out for Santa. But as they grew we quit being fun or cool to be around. It became- can you take me here or can you take me to so and so’s. I guess my job description changed before I was ready. They are all good boys and I am proud of every one of them. I always get complimented on how well mannered and polite they are. But none of that makes the letting go any easier or the process any smoother.
I have to say Miah spoiled me; he was a good boy or else extremely good at hiding the truth. He played football and hung out with his friends. We caught him and Brian sneaking out in the middle of the night once. Their punishment was to move the wood stack, paint the shed then move the wood back. Then there was the time we left him home alone for the weekend and like a lot of teenagers in the U.S. he had a party that got busted up by the cops. He was grounded for a while.
When it came time to learn to drive Garett taught him on his 5 speed Mustang. Three times the charm, he finally passed the test and we gave him the Mustang to drive. I understandably have a bit of phobia about putting my child in the drivers seat, the winter was particularly hard, but I did. I got him a pager and he was to call me and let me know where he was and be home by 10 during the week and 12 on the weekend. Then one Saturday night I woke up at 1 am and went to make sure he was home. He wasn’t there so I started paging him and I paged him every 5 min till I got a phone call from a cop. My knees buckled. I handed the phone to Garett because I couldn’t speak. Garett got all the information and got off the phone. He told me Miah was fine but Brian had a broken nose and the car was totaled. He asked me to come with him down there but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. He got a ticket for Failure to maintain control and had to pay to go to a driving class. I also had to attend the class with him because he was only 17 at the time. I never would go see the car and I took his license away for 6 months and drove him back and forth to work. He saved up his money and bought a small truck. To this day he keeps a picture of that crunched up car on his refrigerator as a reminder.
Luke was a little different; we always butted heads. It was always a game of opposites and never quite understanding what the other person was saying. After years and years I have learned to consciously remain on the fence, so there is nothing for him to oppose. While Luke was learning to drive he would have to go out with me lot because of Garett’s longer hours and Luke’s football schedule. I didn’t like it. We made each other tense and his skill level made me nervous. We made it through and when I rode with him for his driving test I literally held my hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t say anything. He passed and we fixed the Subaru and gave that to him to drive. Three weeks later I was leaving the grocery store when I got a call from Luke. Luke like to joke with me and try and freak me out so when he said “Mom I wrecked the car.” I said, “Shut up and get off the phone.” He said “No, really.” My heart started pounding. “Are you alright? Is Megan alright?” They were fine so I got their location and called 911. By the time I arrived the police were already there and so was the tow truck. I made Megan call her parents and they came to get her and Luke apologized. Apparently they had just re-graveled the road he was on and the car fishtailed into the ditch where the front tires stuck in the mud and the back end flipped over. Luke was working so we split the cost of another car so he could get to work, school and football practice.
They have gotten a lot stricter about under age drinking in resent years and the cops like to hand out MIPs like candy to the kids and the parents foot the bills, which run into hundreds of dollars. Not so in this house. My motto has always been “You play, you pay”. So Luke got a MIP and had to go to court. He was 18 and legally an adult. The judge gave him probation, community service, an alcohol awareness program, victim impact panel and a fine. All of that added up to big bucks. When we got out of there Luke claimed he wasn’t going to do it, it was stupid. So I said, “Let me know how that works out for you” and took him back to college. Six months later he received a letter from the court ordering him back to show just cause for not doing what he was ordered to do. It was like watching him fall, from across the room, as a baby. Knowing what is about to happen and not being able to do anything about it is hard for any parent. I did not go with him. The next time I heard from him he was in jail on work release and the only time I saw him over the next month was when I went to his work. He got out and went to visit Jeff’s family in SVA and ended up staying and getting a job drilling for natural gas. I gave him the School of Hard Knocks Certificate that year.
I have to say Miah spoiled me; he was a good boy or else extremely good at hiding the truth. He played football and hung out with his friends. We caught him and Brian sneaking out in the middle of the night once. Their punishment was to move the wood stack, paint the shed then move the wood back. Then there was the time we left him home alone for the weekend and like a lot of teenagers in the U.S. he had a party that got busted up by the cops. He was grounded for a while.
When it came time to learn to drive Garett taught him on his 5 speed Mustang. Three times the charm, he finally passed the test and we gave him the Mustang to drive. I understandably have a bit of phobia about putting my child in the drivers seat, the winter was particularly hard, but I did. I got him a pager and he was to call me and let me know where he was and be home by 10 during the week and 12 on the weekend. Then one Saturday night I woke up at 1 am and went to make sure he was home. He wasn’t there so I started paging him and I paged him every 5 min till I got a phone call from a cop. My knees buckled. I handed the phone to Garett because I couldn’t speak. Garett got all the information and got off the phone. He told me Miah was fine but Brian had a broken nose and the car was totaled. He asked me to come with him down there but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. He got a ticket for Failure to maintain control and had to pay to go to a driving class. I also had to attend the class with him because he was only 17 at the time. I never would go see the car and I took his license away for 6 months and drove him back and forth to work. He saved up his money and bought a small truck. To this day he keeps a picture of that crunched up car on his refrigerator as a reminder.
Luke was a little different; we always butted heads. It was always a game of opposites and never quite understanding what the other person was saying. After years and years I have learned to consciously remain on the fence, so there is nothing for him to oppose. While Luke was learning to drive he would have to go out with me lot because of Garett’s longer hours and Luke’s football schedule. I didn’t like it. We made each other tense and his skill level made me nervous. We made it through and when I rode with him for his driving test I literally held my hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t say anything. He passed and we fixed the Subaru and gave that to him to drive. Three weeks later I was leaving the grocery store when I got a call from Luke. Luke like to joke with me and try and freak me out so when he said “Mom I wrecked the car.” I said, “Shut up and get off the phone.” He said “No, really.” My heart started pounding. “Are you alright? Is Megan alright?” They were fine so I got their location and called 911. By the time I arrived the police were already there and so was the tow truck. I made Megan call her parents and they came to get her and Luke apologized. Apparently they had just re-graveled the road he was on and the car fishtailed into the ditch where the front tires stuck in the mud and the back end flipped over. Luke was working so we split the cost of another car so he could get to work, school and football practice.
They have gotten a lot stricter about under age drinking in resent years and the cops like to hand out MIPs like candy to the kids and the parents foot the bills, which run into hundreds of dollars. Not so in this house. My motto has always been “You play, you pay”. So Luke got a MIP and had to go to court. He was 18 and legally an adult. The judge gave him probation, community service, an alcohol awareness program, victim impact panel and a fine. All of that added up to big bucks. When we got out of there Luke claimed he wasn’t going to do it, it was stupid. So I said, “Let me know how that works out for you” and took him back to college. Six months later he received a letter from the court ordering him back to show just cause for not doing what he was ordered to do. It was like watching him fall, from across the room, as a baby. Knowing what is about to happen and not being able to do anything about it is hard for any parent. I did not go with him. The next time I heard from him he was in jail on work release and the only time I saw him over the next month was when I went to his work. He got out and went to visit Jeff’s family in SVA and ended up staying and getting a job drilling for natural gas. I gave him the School of Hard Knocks Certificate that year.
Good Bye City Life
One afternoon I needed to run up to the grocery store for something. So I loaded the two youngest, Patrick and Josh in the mini van and headed out. I got to the store and put both the boys in the shopping cart.
This was standard operating procedure ever since Miah was 3 and disappeared in a store. I panicked and ran all over screaming his name inside and outside the store. Then on my way back in I noticed him by the Chicken Machine, it lays eggs with prizes in them. “Look mommy, watch.” He was fascinated with it and all I could do was grab him and hug him and make him promise never to do that again.
So we walk through the store and I loaded the cart around the kids and went to check out. I paid and headed to the door and what do I see outside, a man waving a gun around. So I said “Boys we’re going to wait here a minute” with my heart pounding in my chest. I watched as the police showed up and disarmed the man and we headed to the car and the safety of home.
After getting the boys off to school one morning, I put Patrick in the car seat and headed over to Wal-Mart. Upon leaving I was sitting waiting to make a left turn and the guy behind me thought I should take the chance and honked at me. In all my driving experience I have been in one small fender bender and I was never one to take chances especially having a baby in the car, so I waited till I was comfortable going. This guy was not happy with me. He sped off around me, cut me off and came to a screeching halt all before I even realized what was happening. He stopped his car and marched up to my window and started yelling at me, all in the middle of the road. Now I have a bit of bravado when cornered so I yelled back and as he marched back to his car I started writing down his plate number. He noticed and came running back, “ You don’t want to do that. I can find where you live.” Ok, now the psycho has me stunned into silence. He finally left and drove away. I was shaking so bad it was all I could do to drive home. I got Patrick out of the car and into the house and called Garett. I had lost control by now and he couldn’t understand a word I was saying so he came home. When I was finally able to relate what had happened we called the cops and gave them the license plate number. They came back later and told me not to worry they had a nice long talk with the guy and he wouldn’t be bothering me again. What about the next person? This is when I bought my first cell phone and never been without ever since.
Now along with all this craziness, Garett was getting sick of the commute to work everyday. Miah was getting ready to graduate high school so we started thinking about moving. We wanted a simpler life out of the city, which seemed to be closing in on us.
This was standard operating procedure ever since Miah was 3 and disappeared in a store. I panicked and ran all over screaming his name inside and outside the store. Then on my way back in I noticed him by the Chicken Machine, it lays eggs with prizes in them. “Look mommy, watch.” He was fascinated with it and all I could do was grab him and hug him and make him promise never to do that again.
So we walk through the store and I loaded the cart around the kids and went to check out. I paid and headed to the door and what do I see outside, a man waving a gun around. So I said “Boys we’re going to wait here a minute” with my heart pounding in my chest. I watched as the police showed up and disarmed the man and we headed to the car and the safety of home.
After getting the boys off to school one morning, I put Patrick in the car seat and headed over to Wal-Mart. Upon leaving I was sitting waiting to make a left turn and the guy behind me thought I should take the chance and honked at me. In all my driving experience I have been in one small fender bender and I was never one to take chances especially having a baby in the car, so I waited till I was comfortable going. This guy was not happy with me. He sped off around me, cut me off and came to a screeching halt all before I even realized what was happening. He stopped his car and marched up to my window and started yelling at me, all in the middle of the road. Now I have a bit of bravado when cornered so I yelled back and as he marched back to his car I started writing down his plate number. He noticed and came running back, “ You don’t want to do that. I can find where you live.” Ok, now the psycho has me stunned into silence. He finally left and drove away. I was shaking so bad it was all I could do to drive home. I got Patrick out of the car and into the house and called Garett. I had lost control by now and he couldn’t understand a word I was saying so he came home. When I was finally able to relate what had happened we called the cops and gave them the license plate number. They came back later and told me not to worry they had a nice long talk with the guy and he wouldn’t be bothering me again. What about the next person? This is when I bought my first cell phone and never been without ever since.
Now along with all this craziness, Garett was getting sick of the commute to work everyday. Miah was getting ready to graduate high school so we started thinking about moving. We wanted a simpler life out of the city, which seemed to be closing in on us.
Here Comes the Sun
In 1996 we decided we wanted to get married but there was a small problem, he was still married. Garett’s last experience with trying to get divorced had left him in debt and no divorce. We decided to do it ourselves. So we went to the county building and read the books and got all the paper work together and did it. It wasn’t easy and it took some time but anything worth doing usually does. The only sticky point was Josh because he lived with us. She wanted a set schedule of visitation but not pay child support. Everything worked out and papers were signed. Now to plan a wedding.
We decided we wanted to get married in Charlevoix in an old Indian mission church. With 4 boys, some of whom were in school, it would have to be during the summer. So we planned the date to coincide with the end of a family vacation Aug 3, 1996. Miah asked if his friend Brian could come and we said why not the more the merrier.
We loaded up the car with camping gear and kids and headed to Plymouth, MA. We went to the plantation where Garett pick up Patrick to carry him on his shoulders only to find out he had stepped in chicken shit. We stopped at Cape Cod where I think the water must be freezing year round, but Miah and Brian went in and froze their nuts off anyway. We stopped by Salem and then headed to his sister’s place in Vermont. Her and her husband have a small farm there and she made the flowers for my hair for the wedding. We met up with Garett’s parents there and we loaded up all the kids and headed to Darrien Lake. The kids all had a blast at the amusement park but camping on rocks was a drag. Garett’s parent’s took Heidi’s kids and headed to Michigan and we took our kids to Niagara Falls. We strolled around and looked at the view and the next thing we knew a park ranger was running toward us and grabbed Josh who was climbing over the rail. Another stellar moment in parenthood. Our next stop was Michigan where we did some cherry picking and then got ready for the wedding.
We arrived a couple days early so we could get the license and talk with the minister who was marrying us. The night before Miah and Brian went out to wonder around town. I didn’t think much of it because they were 16 and 17. I was getting ready to get in bed when a knock came at the door. A policeman was standing there with Miah and said he broke curfew-I didn’t know there was one. But where was Brian? They didn’t bring him home because he was 17…nice. He came strolling up shortly after. The wedding was nice. My dad and Joyce flew in for it, Miah walked me down the aisle to “Here comes the Sun” and Patrick cried through the whole thing, which made Garett and I giggle through the whole thing. We all went to Garett’s parent’s house afterward for food and cake.
We decided we wanted to get married in Charlevoix in an old Indian mission church. With 4 boys, some of whom were in school, it would have to be during the summer. So we planned the date to coincide with the end of a family vacation Aug 3, 1996. Miah asked if his friend Brian could come and we said why not the more the merrier.
We loaded up the car with camping gear and kids and headed to Plymouth, MA. We went to the plantation where Garett pick up Patrick to carry him on his shoulders only to find out he had stepped in chicken shit. We stopped at Cape Cod where I think the water must be freezing year round, but Miah and Brian went in and froze their nuts off anyway. We stopped by Salem and then headed to his sister’s place in Vermont. Her and her husband have a small farm there and she made the flowers for my hair for the wedding. We met up with Garett’s parents there and we loaded up all the kids and headed to Darrien Lake. The kids all had a blast at the amusement park but camping on rocks was a drag. Garett’s parent’s took Heidi’s kids and headed to Michigan and we took our kids to Niagara Falls. We strolled around and looked at the view and the next thing we knew a park ranger was running toward us and grabbed Josh who was climbing over the rail. Another stellar moment in parenthood. Our next stop was Michigan where we did some cherry picking and then got ready for the wedding.
We arrived a couple days early so we could get the license and talk with the minister who was marrying us. The night before Miah and Brian went out to wonder around town. I didn’t think much of it because they were 16 and 17. I was getting ready to get in bed when a knock came at the door. A policeman was standing there with Miah and said he broke curfew-I didn’t know there was one. But where was Brian? They didn’t bring him home because he was 17…nice. He came strolling up shortly after. The wedding was nice. My dad and Joyce flew in for it, Miah walked me down the aisle to “Here comes the Sun” and Patrick cried through the whole thing, which made Garett and I giggle through the whole thing. We all went to Garett’s parent’s house afterward for food and cake.
"It's a Wonderful Life"
The Christmas of 1993 I went to NVA for a visit. My sister had just had a beautiful little boy I just had to see. Getting there became quite the ordeal. I worked at a private school at the time as an assistant to the preschool teacher where Luke went to school. I planned on leaving as soon as we were done for the day so I brought my money with me in my purse. While we were down feeding the kids someone must have gotten into my purse and took the cash, which was the only time I wasn’t in the same room. I was very distraught and started to cry losing it meant I couldn’t go. The people who ran the school felt bad and wrote me a check for the amount, very kind of them. So I cashed the check picked up Miah and headed north.
When I got home Pat said he was having a little party at his house and said I should come over. I should have smelled the set up a mile away. There were other people there but Garett was there too. The whole night I felt like some sort of zoo animal that everyone was watching. He and Josh (his son) were heading to his sister’s in Vermont the next day so that was that. Then a few days later my dad hands me a letter that came for me. For me? Here? That’s weird. It was from Garett and it was a very nice letter, sweet.
My sister wanted to go out so I gladly volunteered to baby-sit Brandon. I was just doing my standard Christmas thing and watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”. “Remember, no man is a failure who has friends.” So I rock the baby, pondered Garett and was extremely grateful for my wonderful life.
Long Distance Love
Over the next several months Garett and I would talk almost every day about school, kids, anything, everything and sometimes nothing. We both ran our phone bills so high we couldn’t pay them. So then we started writing letters to each other. It is the best way to get to know someone. Finally in the spring of ’94 he asked if he and Josh could come visit me. I said sure. That’s when the hot and steamy side of our relationship started. I went there for a few days during spring break and made Josh his birthday cake with white bugs(marshmallows) and gummy worms, he loved it. They would drive from Richmond to my house and stay with me. Back and forth we went. Then in June I found out I was pregnant. How foolish of me, a grown woman. It took me another week before I told Garett. I really was at a loss as to what to do. I owned my home here and the kids were in school and I was in school. It would mean changing everything. And Garett was in school in Richmond and working out of his place but he didn’t make that much money. So we talked and talked trying to figure out what to do. School was almost over so I sold my house and Garett left Richmond and we all moved into a townhouse in Sterling, VA. He got a good job with a company doing AutoCad and I finished off my Associates Degree at the local community college. Miah was just starting high school so it was an easy transition and Luke was just starting kindergarten and Josh was in preschool. We blended.
When I got home Pat said he was having a little party at his house and said I should come over. I should have smelled the set up a mile away. There were other people there but Garett was there too. The whole night I felt like some sort of zoo animal that everyone was watching. He and Josh (his son) were heading to his sister’s in Vermont the next day so that was that. Then a few days later my dad hands me a letter that came for me. For me? Here? That’s weird. It was from Garett and it was a very nice letter, sweet.
My sister wanted to go out so I gladly volunteered to baby-sit Brandon. I was just doing my standard Christmas thing and watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”. “Remember, no man is a failure who has friends.” So I rock the baby, pondered Garett and was extremely grateful for my wonderful life.
Long Distance Love
Over the next several months Garett and I would talk almost every day about school, kids, anything, everything and sometimes nothing. We both ran our phone bills so high we couldn’t pay them. So then we started writing letters to each other. It is the best way to get to know someone. Finally in the spring of ’94 he asked if he and Josh could come visit me. I said sure. That’s when the hot and steamy side of our relationship started. I went there for a few days during spring break and made Josh his birthday cake with white bugs(marshmallows) and gummy worms, he loved it. They would drive from Richmond to my house and stay with me. Back and forth we went. Then in June I found out I was pregnant. How foolish of me, a grown woman. It took me another week before I told Garett. I really was at a loss as to what to do. I owned my home here and the kids were in school and I was in school. It would mean changing everything. And Garett was in school in Richmond and working out of his place but he didn’t make that much money. So we talked and talked trying to figure out what to do. School was almost over so I sold my house and Garett left Richmond and we all moved into a townhouse in Sterling, VA. He got a good job with a company doing AutoCad and I finished off my Associates Degree at the local community college. Miah was just starting high school so it was an easy transition and Luke was just starting kindergarten and Josh was in preschool. We blended.
Void
I have to say the next couple of years weren’t pretty. First and foremost I apologize to my children for not being completely there. I was full of self-pity and self-indulgence. I apologize to those I wronged and forgive those who wronged me. “Strange Days had found me.”
Immediately after returning from the hospital I started packing up the house. I knew I could not afford to live there on my income. Jeff’s parents offered to let the boys and I stay there and so I moved to Southern VA the next day. Things were moving so fast. January 19th was the funeral and I would have crawled in there with him if I could. It seemed easier than facing what laid ahead.
Losing my mother was difficult but we knew it was coming and she was so ill it was almost a relief. This was different. Jeff was young, he had just turned 30 and it blind-sided me. I had gone from being an extension of my parents to being an extension of Jeff. The void was huge. I had no identity. My children were the only thing that kept me from falling completely off the map. My friends and family were all very supportive but it didn’t fill the void.
I would run around all day doing this or that trying never to stop because if I stopped I’d have to think and if I thought, I cried. I saved the crying for night because sleep was elusive at first. Then one night I had a dream I was standing in the river with Jeff and he was smiling at me and kept telling me everything was going to be all right. It was a great comfort to me.
After having quit cigarettes for 5 years I started again. I also started drinking; they call it self-medicating. I lost 30 pounds and stopped menstruating. I went to church a lot. God had to have a reason for doing this to my children and me and I intended to find out why. I never did find out why I just learned to accept what had happened.
I started looking to fill the love lost. I looked in all the wrong places. Two months after Jeff died I started having an affair with a married man. I so badly wanted someone that I settled for anyone. The experience left me in a lump on the floor crying less than a year later. But I wasn’t done with poor choices in men. There was drugie guy and church guy, who ironed his jeans. The guy that opened my eyes happened to be dating me and two other women at the same time. I told him I was done when I found out and he wanted to know what the problem was. And like divine intervention out of my mouth came “Why should I settle for a slice of pie when I can have the whole thing?”
I did slowly start to get it together. I felt it was important to honor Jeff in some way with the insurance money. So I bought a decent used car, purchased an acre of land and a brand new doublewide trailer. I enrolled at the local community college in the fall of 1992 and absolutely loved it. Dad and Pat would come to visit me whenever they could.
The summer of “93 I went back to NVA for a visit. It was fun and comfortable; I could be me. I think that was the first time Pat mentioned Garett. HE”S MARRIED…end of discussion.
The fall of ’93 Garett called me a couple of times. He was going to go back to school in Richmond and he and his wife were splitting up. HMMMM.
Immediately after returning from the hospital I started packing up the house. I knew I could not afford to live there on my income. Jeff’s parents offered to let the boys and I stay there and so I moved to Southern VA the next day. Things were moving so fast. January 19th was the funeral and I would have crawled in there with him if I could. It seemed easier than facing what laid ahead.
Losing my mother was difficult but we knew it was coming and she was so ill it was almost a relief. This was different. Jeff was young, he had just turned 30 and it blind-sided me. I had gone from being an extension of my parents to being an extension of Jeff. The void was huge. I had no identity. My children were the only thing that kept me from falling completely off the map. My friends and family were all very supportive but it didn’t fill the void.
I would run around all day doing this or that trying never to stop because if I stopped I’d have to think and if I thought, I cried. I saved the crying for night because sleep was elusive at first. Then one night I had a dream I was standing in the river with Jeff and he was smiling at me and kept telling me everything was going to be all right. It was a great comfort to me.
After having quit cigarettes for 5 years I started again. I also started drinking; they call it self-medicating. I lost 30 pounds and stopped menstruating. I went to church a lot. God had to have a reason for doing this to my children and me and I intended to find out why. I never did find out why I just learned to accept what had happened.
I started looking to fill the love lost. I looked in all the wrong places. Two months after Jeff died I started having an affair with a married man. I so badly wanted someone that I settled for anyone. The experience left me in a lump on the floor crying less than a year later. But I wasn’t done with poor choices in men. There was drugie guy and church guy, who ironed his jeans. The guy that opened my eyes happened to be dating me and two other women at the same time. I told him I was done when I found out and he wanted to know what the problem was. And like divine intervention out of my mouth came “Why should I settle for a slice of pie when I can have the whole thing?”
I did slowly start to get it together. I felt it was important to honor Jeff in some way with the insurance money. So I bought a decent used car, purchased an acre of land and a brand new doublewide trailer. I enrolled at the local community college in the fall of 1992 and absolutely loved it. Dad and Pat would come to visit me whenever they could.
The summer of “93 I went back to NVA for a visit. It was fun and comfortable; I could be me. I think that was the first time Pat mentioned Garett. HE”S MARRIED…end of discussion.
The fall of ’93 Garett called me a couple of times. He was going to go back to school in Richmond and he and his wife were splitting up. HMMMM.
Black Hole
A black hole is a region of space in which the gravitational field is so powerful that nothing can escape after having fallen past the event horizon. The name comes from the fact that even light is unable to escape, rendering the interior invisible.
By January 1991, Jeff and I had been married almost 11 years and been through quite a bit. We had 2 beautiful sons, the oldest was 10 ½ years old and the baby was 19 months old. We had been through brushes with the law, addictions, affairs, tried to start a business; a real roller coaster ride. Things had finally started to calm down. We worked, we went to church, we raised our boys and we went fishing and camping. Jeff worked as a lineman for the cable company and I worked at a grocery store.
The morning of January 15th was no different from any other except I felt bad I hadn’t been able to afford to get him a birthday present. He turned 30 the day before, we had a nice meal and cake and he assured me it was fine he didn’t get a gift. So I made the coffee and I made his lunch and I sat on the kitchen counter and hugged him good-bye. I got J up for school, fed him and L breakfast and drove J to school.
At 8:30 the phone rang and I was sure J must have forgot something.
“Is this Mrs. G?”
“Yes”
“Your husband has been in an accident” (My heart instantly felt heavy, I didn’t want to hear this, have to listen, don’t drop the baby)…. blah, blah, blah…hospital, surgery…blah, blah, blah.
When I got off the phone my mind was spinning and so was I. I walked in circles holding L just repeating “Jesus”. I needed some help and I needed it now. I called his brother who lived near by, put the baby in the car seat, picked him up and went to the hospital.
On the way to the hospital we assured each other that Jeff’s strength and love of life would see him through. He’d be fine. I talked with a nurse when I arrived and explained who I was. She told me that Jeff was in surgery but he had tried to leave the hospital when he got there, broken femur and all. So we sat and waited. The police came to speak to me. They said it appeared Jeff had hit a patch of black ice and lost control of the car. At the same time, a pickup truck was traveling in the opposite direction and T-boned the car. He said they had to use the Jaws of Life to get him out of the car.
What was taking so long, I wanted to talk to him.
They came to get us when he was out of surgery and said we could go see him. I didn’t expect for him to be awake but he was. They had a respirator in his mouth so he couldn’t talk and he was still very groggy, but he was awake and looking at me and trying to pull that thing out of his mouth. I told him I loved him and everything was going to be fine.
Jeff’s brother was there so I left the hospital to go take care of the kids and find a babysitter so I could come back. A neighbor watched L while I went to the school. I explained to the counselor what had happened and had her help me explain it to J. Then I made all the phone calls to his family, my family and our friends. Details blurred together through fear and tears. By the time I got back to the hospital his brother was sitting in the waiting room and said they were working on him.
What happened? He was awake; he was okay. Apparently there was internal bleeding they had missed. Hours passed and everyone started arriving at the hospital. None of us could go in. Fear started changing to anger in me. I yelled and screamed and kicked the wall, then jumped in the elevator. Doors opened and I noticed there were wet footprints on the floor. I followed them…to the Chapel room. I got down on my knees and prayed.
It was later they finally let Jeff’s mother and I go in. As soon as I walked in the room I knew. I said it out loud, “He’s not here anymore.” The body was there and the chest moved up and down from the respirator but Jeff’s spirit was not there.
There was talking and questions all of it a blur. I had to get out of there. I left with my sister and her husband and as I walked through the hospital doors the gravitational pull of the Black Hole was complete. I fell to the ground and cried “ Oh God, my babies!” January 16, 1991
By January 1991, Jeff and I had been married almost 11 years and been through quite a bit. We had 2 beautiful sons, the oldest was 10 ½ years old and the baby was 19 months old. We had been through brushes with the law, addictions, affairs, tried to start a business; a real roller coaster ride. Things had finally started to calm down. We worked, we went to church, we raised our boys and we went fishing and camping. Jeff worked as a lineman for the cable company and I worked at a grocery store.
The morning of January 15th was no different from any other except I felt bad I hadn’t been able to afford to get him a birthday present. He turned 30 the day before, we had a nice meal and cake and he assured me it was fine he didn’t get a gift. So I made the coffee and I made his lunch and I sat on the kitchen counter and hugged him good-bye. I got J up for school, fed him and L breakfast and drove J to school.
At 8:30 the phone rang and I was sure J must have forgot something.
“Is this Mrs. G?”
“Yes”
“Your husband has been in an accident” (My heart instantly felt heavy, I didn’t want to hear this, have to listen, don’t drop the baby)…. blah, blah, blah…hospital, surgery…blah, blah, blah.
When I got off the phone my mind was spinning and so was I. I walked in circles holding L just repeating “Jesus”. I needed some help and I needed it now. I called his brother who lived near by, put the baby in the car seat, picked him up and went to the hospital.
On the way to the hospital we assured each other that Jeff’s strength and love of life would see him through. He’d be fine. I talked with a nurse when I arrived and explained who I was. She told me that Jeff was in surgery but he had tried to leave the hospital when he got there, broken femur and all. So we sat and waited. The police came to speak to me. They said it appeared Jeff had hit a patch of black ice and lost control of the car. At the same time, a pickup truck was traveling in the opposite direction and T-boned the car. He said they had to use the Jaws of Life to get him out of the car.
What was taking so long, I wanted to talk to him.
They came to get us when he was out of surgery and said we could go see him. I didn’t expect for him to be awake but he was. They had a respirator in his mouth so he couldn’t talk and he was still very groggy, but he was awake and looking at me and trying to pull that thing out of his mouth. I told him I loved him and everything was going to be fine.
Jeff’s brother was there so I left the hospital to go take care of the kids and find a babysitter so I could come back. A neighbor watched L while I went to the school. I explained to the counselor what had happened and had her help me explain it to J. Then I made all the phone calls to his family, my family and our friends. Details blurred together through fear and tears. By the time I got back to the hospital his brother was sitting in the waiting room and said they were working on him.
What happened? He was awake; he was okay. Apparently there was internal bleeding they had missed. Hours passed and everyone started arriving at the hospital. None of us could go in. Fear started changing to anger in me. I yelled and screamed and kicked the wall, then jumped in the elevator. Doors opened and I noticed there were wet footprints on the floor. I followed them…to the Chapel room. I got down on my knees and prayed.
It was later they finally let Jeff’s mother and I go in. As soon as I walked in the room I knew. I said it out loud, “He’s not here anymore.” The body was there and the chest moved up and down from the respirator but Jeff’s spirit was not there.
There was talking and questions all of it a blur. I had to get out of there. I left with my sister and her husband and as I walked through the hospital doors the gravitational pull of the Black Hole was complete. I fell to the ground and cried “ Oh God, my babies!” January 16, 1991
The Ideal and the Reality
I can tell I’m “in love” when the other persons wants and needs come before my own. Selfless love, with men, can bring only heartache if there is no equality to it. I believe for women love is more of an emotion or feeling and men see love more as an action; working, opening doors, making love. To make a marriage work you must be willing to accept the good and the bad, mutual respect and intimacy a must.
Ideally parenthood is a shared responsibility involving teamwork. I believe it is beneficial for a child to have as many people actively involved in their life as possible. A parent should be a teacher from basic motor skills to being a self-sufficient adult. A parent should provide emotional support; cuddling the newborn, explaining and wiping away the tears when bad things happen, and a sounding board through the teen years and on into adulthood. A parent needs to be a disciplinarian providing guidelines and boundaries. A parent should support their child’s dreams in any possible way. The benefit to the child’s self esteem is unmistakable, as long as it is the child’s dream and not your own. A parent should be a playmate too. I believe it is good for a child to know they can play, verbally as well as physically, with their parents. Parents should promote togetherness within the family unit. Creating a safe place to be, where no matter how bad the rest of the world is it’s always good to be home with people who love you.
This is how it would be; there was no doubt in my mind. I loved him and he loved me and together we would make the prefect family. The nay-sayers had no idea of the potential we possessed.
The reality
The reality is we did love each other. We wanted to get married and raise our child together. So we came back to Northern VA and had a small ceremony with our families and friends. Pat was Jeff’s best man and Steph was my maid of honor. We lived with my parents for a while till we could get jobs and find an apartment. Kay’s mom was nice enough to hire me to work in a cafeteria she managed even though she knew I was pregnant. Jeff got a job pouring concrete. My job provided the medical insurance we would need to have the baby.
We proceeded to look for apartments and found we couldn’t afford much. We settled for a 2 bedroom on the ground floor in a run down complex in Herndon. The neighbors were pretty cool. They put up with Jeff and Pat’s band practicing there so you’d have to say they were very cool. And then there was Teddy. Teddy was a very nice, tall black man who liked to run around outside in nothing but a very short robe. Teddy could get good weed and he had the hots for Jeff. Jeff liked to joke around with Teddy, but never failed to tell the boy to get some clothes on. The roaches were ridiculous. I had never been around roaches up to this point in my life so it was gross and unnerving to me at first. We tried bombing the place, but they always came back. But after awhile we made a game out of killing them. We’d turn out the lights in the kitchen, give them a few minutes to come out, then flick the light back on and swat and stomp as many as we could. Lemonade from lemons.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant, my whole life became about the well being of the child. I quit smoking everything, quit drinking; I didn’t even drink cola anymore. This was difficult at times because I was little more than a child myself. I went from being taken care of by my father to being taken care of by Jeff. Every one of my friends continued their partying ways. In fact they were partying at my place, especially when the band practiced there. I was working, I was getting fat, I was tired all the time and everyone seemed to be having a good time but me. Jeff and I started to fight…a lot.
Once I started getting upset about people partying at our place all the time they moved the party. Jeff would stay out late or not come home at all. One evening while I was fixing dinner we started fighting. I threw the hamburgers I was cooking straight from the pan across the room. Then I threw the potato salad and he grabbed the mustard and squirted it at me. Back and forth it went, then he punched a whole in the bathroom wall (there goes the security deposit) and left. I cried and cleaned up. We were left with a constant reminder of our ridiculous behavior; every time we went to the bathroom and turned on the light we could see the roaches scurry into the hole.
Just when it seemed everything was falling apart the baby came. I woke Jeff up and we headed to the hospital. They checked me out and told us it would be hours so I suggested that Jeff go get something to eat. Jeff wasn’t a fan of blood or seeing me in pain but he was willing to go in the delivery room with me. The baby had other plans. No sooner did Jeff leave, my contractions got stronger and closer. I told the nurse the baby was coming. “No, no dear we just checked you. It will be awhile.” I couldn’t believe she doubted me, who’s body was it anyway. “THE BABY IS COMING!!!” She went to get the doctor and sure enough they took me to the delivery room. Sept 28, 1980 - Time stood still when they laid that beautiful little boy on my chest. Sometime later Jeff walked in and said the doctor had congratulated him on the way through the door. We were happy and all was right with the world. We were a family.
The months that followed went by to quick. I had a few months maternity leave but it was coming to an end and I would have to head back to work. I was enjoying getting to know this little person even though he liked to puke on me. That’s the coolest thing about being a mother, things you would have never dreamed of tolerating from another human being, suddenly seem almost, dare I say, cute coming from this little person. So I found a babysitter and for 6 painfully long weeks I would drive him to the babysitter’s house, drop him off and cry all the way to work. Jeff seeing my pain told me to stop working and I didn’t hesitate. We moved out of the apartment and in with his parents in southern VA.
Ideally parenthood is a shared responsibility involving teamwork. I believe it is beneficial for a child to have as many people actively involved in their life as possible. A parent should be a teacher from basic motor skills to being a self-sufficient adult. A parent should provide emotional support; cuddling the newborn, explaining and wiping away the tears when bad things happen, and a sounding board through the teen years and on into adulthood. A parent needs to be a disciplinarian providing guidelines and boundaries. A parent should support their child’s dreams in any possible way. The benefit to the child’s self esteem is unmistakable, as long as it is the child’s dream and not your own. A parent should be a playmate too. I believe it is good for a child to know they can play, verbally as well as physically, with their parents. Parents should promote togetherness within the family unit. Creating a safe place to be, where no matter how bad the rest of the world is it’s always good to be home with people who love you.
This is how it would be; there was no doubt in my mind. I loved him and he loved me and together we would make the prefect family. The nay-sayers had no idea of the potential we possessed.
The reality
The reality is we did love each other. We wanted to get married and raise our child together. So we came back to Northern VA and had a small ceremony with our families and friends. Pat was Jeff’s best man and Steph was my maid of honor. We lived with my parents for a while till we could get jobs and find an apartment. Kay’s mom was nice enough to hire me to work in a cafeteria she managed even though she knew I was pregnant. Jeff got a job pouring concrete. My job provided the medical insurance we would need to have the baby.
We proceeded to look for apartments and found we couldn’t afford much. We settled for a 2 bedroom on the ground floor in a run down complex in Herndon. The neighbors were pretty cool. They put up with Jeff and Pat’s band practicing there so you’d have to say they were very cool. And then there was Teddy. Teddy was a very nice, tall black man who liked to run around outside in nothing but a very short robe. Teddy could get good weed and he had the hots for Jeff. Jeff liked to joke around with Teddy, but never failed to tell the boy to get some clothes on. The roaches were ridiculous. I had never been around roaches up to this point in my life so it was gross and unnerving to me at first. We tried bombing the place, but they always came back. But after awhile we made a game out of killing them. We’d turn out the lights in the kitchen, give them a few minutes to come out, then flick the light back on and swat and stomp as many as we could. Lemonade from lemons.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant, my whole life became about the well being of the child. I quit smoking everything, quit drinking; I didn’t even drink cola anymore. This was difficult at times because I was little more than a child myself. I went from being taken care of by my father to being taken care of by Jeff. Every one of my friends continued their partying ways. In fact they were partying at my place, especially when the band practiced there. I was working, I was getting fat, I was tired all the time and everyone seemed to be having a good time but me. Jeff and I started to fight…a lot.
Once I started getting upset about people partying at our place all the time they moved the party. Jeff would stay out late or not come home at all. One evening while I was fixing dinner we started fighting. I threw the hamburgers I was cooking straight from the pan across the room. Then I threw the potato salad and he grabbed the mustard and squirted it at me. Back and forth it went, then he punched a whole in the bathroom wall (there goes the security deposit) and left. I cried and cleaned up. We were left with a constant reminder of our ridiculous behavior; every time we went to the bathroom and turned on the light we could see the roaches scurry into the hole.
Just when it seemed everything was falling apart the baby came. I woke Jeff up and we headed to the hospital. They checked me out and told us it would be hours so I suggested that Jeff go get something to eat. Jeff wasn’t a fan of blood or seeing me in pain but he was willing to go in the delivery room with me. The baby had other plans. No sooner did Jeff leave, my contractions got stronger and closer. I told the nurse the baby was coming. “No, no dear we just checked you. It will be awhile.” I couldn’t believe she doubted me, who’s body was it anyway. “THE BABY IS COMING!!!” She went to get the doctor and sure enough they took me to the delivery room. Sept 28, 1980 - Time stood still when they laid that beautiful little boy on my chest. Sometime later Jeff walked in and said the doctor had congratulated him on the way through the door. We were happy and all was right with the world. We were a family.
The months that followed went by to quick. I had a few months maternity leave but it was coming to an end and I would have to head back to work. I was enjoying getting to know this little person even though he liked to puke on me. That’s the coolest thing about being a mother, things you would have never dreamed of tolerating from another human being, suddenly seem almost, dare I say, cute coming from this little person. So I found a babysitter and for 6 painfully long weeks I would drive him to the babysitter’s house, drop him off and cry all the way to work. Jeff seeing my pain told me to stop working and I didn’t hesitate. We moved out of the apartment and in with his parents in southern VA.
Girl's just wanta have fun
One summer night the girls were spending the night at Kay’s house. We talked and talked. Out of the blue someone (I don’t remember who) says, “We should take a road trip to Ocean City”. We all agreed it was a great idea but we needed a car. So I called my mom and asked if I could use the car to drive to Ocean City to which she replied, “No, are you crazy, it’s the middle of the night.” Now that may seem like a big deterrent to most but not us, I directly turned around and called Pat. Pat didn’t think we were crazy; in fact he drove his car over for us. So we all put on our bathing suits and piled in the Pinto. Ocean City, MD was a 4-hour drive away so it was dawn when we arrived. We were so exhausted from staying up all night we flopped on the beach and fell asleep. Hours later I woke up and had been sleeping on my stomach the entire time. It was a beautiful sunny summer day, but this was not a good thing because I am a red head. The entire back of my body from neck to feet was burnt and I had to drive back to Sterling. By the time we got back to my house my parents knew what we had done and I was grounded of course, but the punishment paled in comparison to the excruciatingly painful drive back.
The next road trip we planned and got permission before heading out. Liz’s uncle had a cabin in the woods; it was far enough away from the parents for us and close enough to an adult for the parents. We packed up the car and headed out. When we arrived her uncle showed us the room we would be staying in and I don’t think we left it except to eat or go to the bathroom. We immediately rolled a joint and smoked it. We cranked the music, cause it was always about the music. After the first one it became somewhat of a game to roll the prefect joint. I’d roll it and they’d inspect it, and then rip it up and we’d all laugh hysterically. I can’t even imagine what her uncle thought of all this but he left us alone and never said a word.
March of our graduating year Steph and I started planning our summer trip to Ocean City. We drove up scoped out where we wanted to stay and put down a deposit. It was an older motel, a little rundown, but it was in the main strip so we could walk where we wanted to go. We spent the next 3 months working, saving and waiting. The day finally arrived, just the 2 of us for a week in Ocean City. I think by the time we went we were both surprised I followed thru. Jeff and I were pretty hot and heavy by this point and he was a jealous guy. I gave up a concert ticket to Bad Company because he got mad I was going with out him. Ok, I was whipped and I was probably somewhat of a wet blanket on our trip. Sorry Steph. There was one night I remember we were sitting on the beach smoking a joint and we met these 2 guys. We all decided to go back to our room since it was close by. So the 4 of us sat around talking and smoking. All of a sudden the smoke alarm goes off. We all jump up and start to bolt out of the room. It occurred to Steph and I, almost simultaneously, that it was our names on the motel register. So the boys ran away and we went in search of the manager. We found him and explained that our smoke alarm had gone off. As we all walked back into the room through the cloud of smoke that still remained he said, “You oughta open a window if your gonna smoke that funny stuff.” Steph and I looked at each other and grinned. He climbed up in a chair to reach the smoke detector and said “Hand me your blow dryer.”
The next road trip we planned and got permission before heading out. Liz’s uncle had a cabin in the woods; it was far enough away from the parents for us and close enough to an adult for the parents. We packed up the car and headed out. When we arrived her uncle showed us the room we would be staying in and I don’t think we left it except to eat or go to the bathroom. We immediately rolled a joint and smoked it. We cranked the music, cause it was always about the music. After the first one it became somewhat of a game to roll the prefect joint. I’d roll it and they’d inspect it, and then rip it up and we’d all laugh hysterically. I can’t even imagine what her uncle thought of all this but he left us alone and never said a word.
March of our graduating year Steph and I started planning our summer trip to Ocean City. We drove up scoped out where we wanted to stay and put down a deposit. It was an older motel, a little rundown, but it was in the main strip so we could walk where we wanted to go. We spent the next 3 months working, saving and waiting. The day finally arrived, just the 2 of us for a week in Ocean City. I think by the time we went we were both surprised I followed thru. Jeff and I were pretty hot and heavy by this point and he was a jealous guy. I gave up a concert ticket to Bad Company because he got mad I was going with out him. Ok, I was whipped and I was probably somewhat of a wet blanket on our trip. Sorry Steph. There was one night I remember we were sitting on the beach smoking a joint and we met these 2 guys. We all decided to go back to our room since it was close by. So the 4 of us sat around talking and smoking. All of a sudden the smoke alarm goes off. We all jump up and start to bolt out of the room. It occurred to Steph and I, almost simultaneously, that it was our names on the motel register. So the boys ran away and we went in search of the manager. We found him and explained that our smoke alarm had gone off. As we all walked back into the room through the cloud of smoke that still remained he said, “You oughta open a window if your gonna smoke that funny stuff.” Steph and I looked at each other and grinned. He climbed up in a chair to reach the smoke detector and said “Hand me your blow dryer.”
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